Help Me! I am Drowning in Self-Pity!

I never wanted to be with D. We broke up years ago for many many reasons.  Then one day I changed my mind.  Because I am one to pass the blame, I blame my brother in law.  One day he told me in passing, “You and D are only hurting yourselves by not getting together now and finally being happy.”

Shortly after that our world fell apart, but my mind was hooked.  My BNL’s suggestion was out of nowhere.  Sure, D and I flirted and smiled at each other.  Sure, we hung our almost nightly just watching TV and talking.  But really, did I want a short-tempered redneck that worked too hard with angry teenage children?  I guess after I thought about it; it didn’t matter if he was short-tempered if he never was with me.  After time, the teenagers even grew up to be young adults that moved away.  All that really matter is how he treated me, and I know he would do anything in the world for me.

Needless to say, I finally let him woo me.  He would compliment me even when I wore sweat pants and show up unexpectedly to my house.  Still, we had one problem. D was in a terrible break-up.  Moving from friends to a relationship would only work if D dissolved this relationship with the other girl.  Boy, did he complain about the other girl.  She drove him insane.  They broke up at least once a week.  It was because of this rocky relationship and one of D’s surprise visit that we failed miserably at our second chance relationship.  I should’ve known then that I was going to turn myself into the rebound girl instead of the next girlfriend.

It was during one of these visits that D had finally had enough.  Finally had enough of her shit that he was done.  He packed a bag and left for good…or so his story would go.  He said all the right things. He made all the right promises.  We had already had a relationship prior to the night, so I didn’t think of the consequences.

Of course, like every after school special, we stopped talking so much.  D stopped his random visits.  His rocky relationship would continue as he moved to his own home.  Instead of always being around, I never really saw him.  He stopped returning my calls and texts.  When we did talk, he would either be aloof or super attentive.  I learned that those super attentive moments would continue through the day or until we would give in.  He wasn’t with her; he wasn’t with me.  He was enjoy the single life with both of us.  This was not what I wanted, but I guess I let it go out of denial, and I had no choice if I wanted him in my life.  Why did I want him in my life? 

Still, I did.  After I gave myself permission to like him, I could not turn it off.  I was delusional.  Fortunately, I pretty much recorded the entire relationship.  It would be a fantastic book if it ended with him sweeping me off my feet, happily ever after.  That is not going to happen, no matter how many different ways I can imagine it.  Yes, I have several versions; partly because I read too many novels and listen to too many country songs.  These written account should see what I have been through.  They should convince me to be DONE once and for all. 

Now, here I am…YEARS from the first night of giving into my impulses, driving the long way home to pass his house…where, yes, the new girl’s car is parked.  I honk only to make him remember me and also to prove that I am not hiding my drive-by peek. I suck big time.  Even as I am beating my ego with a iron crowbar, I am googling D’s most recent Facebook friend.  What an idiot!

It is like his asshole behavior was more attractive than when he was nice.  Why is that?  The same reason that now that I am ready to be with him, he is not ready.  Basically it feels like he did all that work to get into my pants and once there, he was like, I can do better. And what do I do?  I swoon.  I bend over backwards to get his attention, to get him to see him, regardless of price to my self-respect.  And now after it is all over, it isn’t over.  I can’t get over the fucker. What the hell is my problem?