I have been clueless, or I am delusional now. D used to drive me nuts with his jokes, sound effects, and touchy-feely behavior. Now all I wish is to have it all back. I wanted to change him before, so I backed off and didn’t try. Now, I actually love him for all the crap I hated about him before. I am confusing; clearly he thinks so. too.
Finally out of his four year relationship, moving out, and looking for houses, D came to my house one night seeking revenge sex. I had already realized that I couldn’t hold back any longer. After years of his attentive ways, I realized my mistake or had become delusional, not sure which is which.
Why can’t I have a boyfriend that likes me when I haven’t showered? Why can’t I have a boyfriend that lights up when I enter a room? Why can’t I have a boyfriend that makes a point to talk to me first or touch me in some way with each greeting? Why can’t I have someone special that really thinks I am special?
I thought D was that person. After four years of his laying his ground work, I had finally seen how great he really was, despite his F-bombs and poor grammar. He had spent the last year being flirty and alluding to sex. He cared about me, and I thought he really liked me for me.
Maybe it was just a game. Maybe it was just revenge because he knew it drove me crazy. Maybe he isn’t complicated at all, just as he says. Maybe he is just another dumbass boy.
Needless to say, when he came over for revenge sex it took all my willpower to attempt to say no. He had made the excuse of a quick shower that ended in him standing in the shower begging me to get it with him. I made him stand alone for a few minutes, but I couldn’t avoid it any longer. D had made it clear his relationship was over for the last six months; I am such a stupid girl.
My original theory that no string attached sex doesn’t existed was proven right on the money for the millionth time. I knew D wasn’t ready for something super serious; although in my head we were driving to the courthouse. Why do I even do that? I don’t really ever wish to get married, but my imagination goes wacko when dealing with love. I decided to just ignore my unreasonable daydreams and just be happy to have D around. Maybe that is where I went wrong.
Our roles instantly switched. Instead of him lighting up, I lit up when he finally came around. One night he came over, I had a friend over, and he was all over me. If she left the room, he kissed me. He touched my leg or arm the whole time. My friend was a little surprised, since it was so new, I didn’t know what to call it. I was not going to say anything to friends until I knew what it was.
This encounter stepped up my imagination. This could be the real thing. Our timing was right. We could make each other happy. There is a song “The Stone” about needing someone to take care of you in exchange for taking care of them. It’s about being each other’s support and love. As you can see by this time, I was quite delusional or at the very least fucking in love. Neither feeling I need.
Just when things looked like they were going to work out, BAM! Halloween came, quickie in the afternoon, perfection. After the party started, everything went wrong. I was him. I didn’t follow him around, but if we met, I had to stand next to him. I found reasons to touch him or whisper in his ear. I was him! I wasn’t very fond of the behavior when I was receiving it, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing it all the same.
He stopped texting me; he stopped calling me; he stopped visiting me. I couldn’t get him to answer my calls. It took a whole week to get him alone and ask what was up. He was nervous for some reason and didn’t want to talk. I knew something was up, but I was so delusional (for sure this time). I am perceptive normally; still, I didn’t want to see that something was different. I wanted to express my love and tell him that I could wait as long as he needed to get himself settled. After all, I knew he was in the process of moving out. I just wanted to scream, “WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE FINALLY!!”
But we weren’t, and I wasn’t going to accept the signs. Here I was professing my love while he looked through porn sites. Yes, he had made jokes before about porn, and his conversation starter that night, after not seeing or talking to me for a week, was, “Let’s check out the porn on your computer.” I thought he was being funny, but I now believe he was trying to avoid any serious conversation. Apparently I can block out anything, I continued to tell him all my feelings and how I could wait. He listened, let me give him head (I’m such an ass), and left.
Again I didn’t talk to him for a week. Finally I told my sister to talk to him. D’s idea of no string attached sex was different than mine. When I finally spoke with him, he admitted to sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. Crediting being under the same roof and a four year relationship ending, he said he couldn’t handle strings right now.
Okay, I am not twenty. I am good with a static relationship, but I am so pass multiple sex partners. Doing the right thing always gets me crap. I have lost boys before by doing the right thing. It pisses me off.
Now, it is days before Christmas and New Year’s. I am alone. D barely talks to me. I saw him a couple nights ago, and he hugged me long and hard. I don’t know what that means. I tried hard to get annoyed by his grammar and his above average use of fucking as an adjective; but in the end, he smelled so good. Which is probably why he still avoided being alone with me. I don’t know if he has finally moved or not. Rumor was he moved out and back in. I don’t know that to be true. I don’t know anything. He hasn’t talked to me for more than ten minutes in at least a month.
He used to come over three or four times a week for nothing. Sex was added. My feelings got hurt. They are probably going to get married. My daydreams only consist of their New Year’s kiss. I hope and pray and wish….for him. I am such a loser. Now I am alone for the holidays.
Why can’t life be like a movie? Why can’t I get the guy in the end? Why can’t it just be a Christmas miracle?
Mishaps Today 