Ahhhh….the Holidays…..NOT!

The snow covered fields, smell of pine, and family….my memories of the Holidays are always a lot more enjoyable than reality.  When I was a kid, the excitement of Winter Break and Santa would consume me starting in October.  My parents would break out the threat, “Santa’s watching,” and my grandmother would bring over the JCPenny’s catalog to help with our lists.  Christmas carols, gift exchanges, and crafts all made December a month of joy.  Christmas Eve was magical, and my precious grandmother would play Santa with a stack of gifts that reached the ceiling.  In the morning at my own home, Santa would never have enough room for all the presents.  They would litter the living room floor, filling every available spot, and sparkle in the light of the Christmas tree.

My brother would wake up my sister and me in the middle of the night.  He could never make it until morning, which is probably why there was a rule about waking my parents.   In those wee hours of the morning, we would sit and admire all the wrappings and packages.  It didn’t matter at that moment what name was on the presents.  It was about the lights and the colors and looking at the greatest sight of the year, in our small lives.  That tree was our Eiffel Tower or the Grand Canyon; we couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.  For the rest of the night, my brother would guard the tree curled up on the couch.  We would have to wait until 8:00 to wake my parents and only after starting the coffee.  My sister and I would return to bed as visions of sugar-plums danced in our heads…whatever sugar-plums are….waiting for morning to come.  Of course, my brother would wake us again at seven to open stockings and wait for the time to wake Mom and Dad.

I am not sure if I have my imagination or my brother to thank for making us stop and stare for just that short moment.  In the middle of the night, we knew we couldn’t open the presents or argue.   During that time, we just appreciated the view and the moment.  Those nights were probably the only times when the three of us got along.

It is amazing to think that children can love Christmas so much, and then as adults not so much.  The Holidays are none of these things as an adult.  Sure, my mom can still spread out the presents to cover the floor, but I have wrapped all the presents for her before Christmas Eve dinner.  My grandmother is no longer here, and my brother lives too far away to come home every year. Not that we would be in the same house for him to wake us up in those early hours.  Not to mention the lack of snow we face each year because of Global Warming.

In November now, I don’t worry about Santa’s eye so much as I worry about how I will get presents for my nephews and nieces.  How will I treat my parents or my siblings that don’t need anything but the thought?  The gift of giving can help recapture those memories of my brother and sister, but it is only a glimpse.  My nephews’ smiles and laughs can recreate the Eiffel Tower for only a moment.

In December now, I dread getting out the tree and decorating it.  It takes the whole season for me to find every little thing, and then another month to put it all away.  As a single gal, my tree is empty of presents by Christmas morning.  I have to buy gifts for myself and the cats, just so we have something there through the morning.  For my brother, I do sleep with the tree’s lights on, just in case there is a Santa.  No one wakes me up though, and I normally sleep past nine.  The day of Christmas isn’t much more than another day of Winter Break.  It’s a letdown even though I know it will be each year.

At Christmas dinner, as adults, we don’t rush.  We used to beg for everyone to finish their coffees and cigarettes.  Now as adults, we try our best to find things to make them wait, but often we are as impatient as them.

In my thirties, I would say that out of all the Holidays Christmas is at the bottom of my list.  Yes, I know what Christmas is about and all that, but the Santa Christmas is not all that it used to be. Memories are still made.  And I appreciate that.  I love my family.  This just is not the holiday for single, childless (thankfully) adults with too many bills.

Clueless at Christmas

I have been clueless, or I am delusional now.  D used to drive me nuts with his jokes, sound effects, and touchy-feely behavior.  Now all I wish is to have it all back.  I wanted to change him before, so I backed off and didn’t try.  Now, I actually love him for all the crap I hated about him before.  I am confusing; clearly he thinks so. too.

Finally out of his four year relationship, moving out, and looking for houses, D came to my house one night seeking revenge sex.  I had already realized that I couldn’t hold back any longer.  After years of his attentive ways, I realized my mistake or had become delusional, not sure which is which.

Why can’t I have a boyfriend that likes me when I haven’t showered?  Why can’t I have a boyfriend that lights up when I enter a room?  Why can’t I have a boyfriend that makes a point to talk to me first or touch me in some way with each greeting?  Why can’t I have someone special that really thinks I am special?

I thought D was that person.  After four years of his laying his ground work, I had finally seen how great he really was, despite his F-bombs and poor grammar.  He had spent the last year being flirty and alluding to sex.  He cared about me, and I thought he really liked me for me.

Maybe it was just a game.  Maybe it was just revenge because he knew it drove me crazy.  Maybe he isn’t complicated at all, just as he says.  Maybe he is just another dumbass boy.

Needless to say, when he came over for revenge sex it took all my willpower to attempt to say no.  He had made the excuse of a quick shower that ended in him standing in the shower begging me to get it with him.  I made him stand alone for a few minutes, but I couldn’t avoid it any longer.  D had made it clear his relationship was over for the last six months; I am such a stupid girl.

My original theory that no string attached sex doesn’t existed was proven right on the money for the millionth time.  I knew D wasn’t ready for something super serious; although in my head we were driving to the courthouse.  Why do I even do that?  I don’t really ever wish to get married, but my imagination goes wacko when dealing with love.  I decided to just ignore my unreasonable daydreams and just be happy to have D around.  Maybe that is where I went wrong.

Our roles instantly switched.  Instead of him lighting up, I lit up when he finally came around.  One night he came over, I had a friend over, and he was all over me.  If she left the room, he kissed me.  He touched my leg or arm the whole time.  My friend was a little surprised, since it was so new, I didn’t know what to call it.  I was not going to say anything to friends until I knew what it was.

This encounter stepped up my imagination.  This could be the real thing.  Our timing was right.  We could make each other happy.  There is a song “The Stone” about needing someone to take care of you in exchange for taking care of them.  It’s about being each other’s support and love.  As you can see by this time, I was quite delusional or at the very least fucking in love.  Neither feeling I need.

Just when things looked like they were going to work out, BAM!  Halloween came, quickie in the afternoon, perfection.  After the party started, everything went wrong.  I was him.  I didn’t follow him around, but if we met, I had to stand next to him.  I found reasons to touch him or whisper in his ear.  I was him!  I wasn’t very fond of the behavior when I was receiving it, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing it all the same.

He stopped texting me; he stopped calling me; he stopped visiting me.  I couldn’t get him to answer my calls.  It took a whole week to get him alone and ask what was up.  He was nervous for some reason and didn’t want to talk.  I knew something was up, but I was so delusional (for sure this time).  I am perceptive normally; still, I didn’t want to see that something was different.  I wanted to express my love and tell him that I could wait as long as he needed to get himself settled.  After all, I knew he was in the process of moving out.  I just wanted to scream, “WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE FINALLY!!”

But we weren’t, and I wasn’t going to accept the signs.  Here I was professing my love while he looked through porn sites.  Yes, he had made jokes before about porn, and his conversation starter that night, after not seeing or talking to me for a week, was, “Let’s check out the porn on your computer.”  I thought he was being funny, but I now believe he was trying to avoid any serious conversation.  Apparently I can block out anything, I continued to tell him all my feelings and how I could wait.  He listened, let me give him head (I’m such an ass), and left.

Again I didn’t talk to him for a week.  Finally I told my sister to talk to him.  D’s idea of no string attached sex was different than mine.  When I finally spoke with him, he admitted to sleeping with his ex-girlfriend.  Crediting being under the same roof and a four year relationship ending, he said he couldn’t handle strings right now.

Okay, I am not twenty.  I am good with a static relationship, but I am so pass multiple sex partners.  Doing the right thing always gets me crap.  I have lost boys before by doing the right thing.  It pisses me off.

Now, it is days before Christmas and New Year’s.  I am alone.  D barely talks to me.  I saw him a couple nights ago, and he hugged me long and hard.  I don’t know what that means.  I tried hard to get annoyed by his grammar and his above average use of fucking as an adjective; but in the end, he smelled so good.  Which is probably why he still avoided being alone with me.  I don’t know if he has finally moved or not.  Rumor was he moved out and back in.  I don’t know that to be true.  I don’t know anything.  He hasn’t talked to me for more than ten minutes in at least a month.

He used to come over three or four times a week for nothing.  Sex was added.  My feelings got hurt.  They are probably going to get married.  My daydreams only consist of their New Year’s kiss.  I hope and pray and wish….for him. I am such a loser.  Now I am alone for the holidays.

Why can’t life be like a movie?  Why can’t I get the guy in the end?  Why can’t it just be a Christmas miracle?