Heartbroken

I wrote this years ago.  I thought I had lost it but no.  It isn’t about D, but it could be.

I’m a Loser
(Double meaning:  Am I loser?  Or am I just a loser for writing a poem about being a loser?)

All I can think of is what I did wrong.
I know I didn’t do anything wrong.
I tell myself this,
Only to continue to question
My every move
Our every conversation
My every thought
Was I delirious?

I was TRYING not to be delirious.
Did I do it wrong
Even when I was trying to do
Everything RIGHT?

Did I NOT make myself look
Cool?
Did I NOT make myself look
Fun?

When he asked what I did for entertainment,
Was I too quick to come to an answer?
Should I have offered more than one answer?
I merely assumed I would be able to tell him
Something better about myself.
I didn’t realize I had only one chance.

Was he using big words
Because everyone is always threatened
By the ENGLISH teacher?
Was he acting like someone he wasn’t?
Was he living in the moment
So he wasn’t lying?

Was I acting like someone I wasn’t?
Was I not living in the moment?
Did I just ASSume I had more time?

I thought we were comfortable.
Was I in denial?

I imagine this girl
Overweight in a swimsuit
She shouldn’t be wearing
She has big hair like she is
Trapped in the 80s.

How could someone like this
Beat me out?

I want her to be gross,
But I want her to be great.
Who would trade me for
Someone less than me.

Is it really my place to determine
Who is less than me?

I can’t be that bad.
Am I just that full of myself?
I know I don’t want to
Be with someone who thinks I’m
Second best,
But I do WANT someone.

When is it my turn?
What do I have to be to get past
One mere month?
Why do my relationships
All end FAST?
What did I say wrong?
Was I too girly?
Was I not girly enough?
Did I complain too much?
Did I not laugh at his jokes enough?
Did I pick dumb movie?
Did I not make good conversation?
Did he lie?
Did I lie?
Was I blind by looks?
Was I blind by my stupidity?
What the HELL did he really want?
What the HELL did I really want?
Did I misread every
Conversation?
Did I think it was
More than it was?
Was he that good of a
Liar?
Was he just in the
Moment?
Was I not paying attention
To the signs?
What could I have done
Differently?

I thought I had better judgment.
I thought we were so ADULT
In every conversation.
Was I just making myself
Believe this?
Was I lying to myself?
Every thought
Every conversation
Every action
Every cliché
Every move
Has to be
Overanalyzed
Over thought
Overplayed
IN MY HEAD!

I know I can’t do anything
To fix it.
I want to send a
Mean text.
I want to shake him.
I don’t want him to
Change his mind now though.
Nothing good can come from me
Being THAT GIRL.

In the end,
What is wrong with me?
I know there isn’t anything
Wrong with me!
Yet, I have to think about it.
Yet, I have analyze it.
I have dumped guys for
STUPID reasons.

To each his own.
I can’t make him
Feel
Think
Be
A Certain Way.

Why didn’t he realize how cool I am?
Maybe only my BFF thinks I am cool?
Why wouldn’t he see how
GREAT of a catch I am?
Why do I want to be a fish?
Why does my mind do this to me?