I love him.
I ache for him.
He lies,
I swoon.
D says that in every relationship there is someone who loves the other more than the other. I think this is just a sad thought, but maybe more so because it is clearly me who is doing the over loving. I wonder if this is how he felt before when I was rejecting him. I still don’t get how to get these feelings back inside him. I am not sure what I did to make him not feel that love anymore; maybe he never felt that way after all.. I wish it were something easy, like he saw me itch my butt or pick my nose. However, I am afraid I said no one too many times.
My other selfish thought is perhaps D or someone put a love spell on me, and now I can’t see straight. My vision is cloudy. I can’t seem to put a halt on my feelings. I make deals with myself, and in the end, I find a way to make them work. I am constantly negotiating with myself, so that I can justify sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend. But, why would D put a love spell on me then avoid me?
Karma is so going to get me. Or is this lack of love a karma for something else?
I have not technically cheated on anyone. I have been the other girl. I have wrecked a family! Okay, so maybe the fact that he had a ‘friends with benefits’ (me) through his courtship, engagement, and birth of their child had a factor in the divorce. Clearly, I wasn’t the only problem; still, I didn’t help the situation.
I have not really caught anyone cheating on me; although I had some suspicions when I lived with a guy in the twenties. KB and I struggle with his selfish behavior. He would stay out late and not call. This was a time before cell phones but still never a good sign.
I have also held back because of girlfriends. My BFF in college was a dream man at one point. He had a girlfriend. I thought eventually he would see me in a different light, and we’d fall in love the right way. In the end, he cheated on his girlfriend with one of my female BFFs in college. Ironically we are all still friends, and I am quite happy with how fate worked out. They are married with three kids.
Still, I could be a better person. Or are all people a little bad? Maybe I just like bad boys. Maybe every guy I ever dated was really just a jerk in disguise.
D is an amazing jerk sometimes. When we dated five years ago, all I wanted to do was change him….fix him. Nothing about him has changed, but now, I don’t want to change him. Yet, he keeps lying about incredibly unimportant things. Well, I think the lie about completely breaking up with his girlfriend to get me into the shower was a little important. But, why lie about getting a part-time job? Is he just ashamed of having to get a second job?
We can’t even be in the same room together without supervision. No one even seems to care to supervise us either. At first we are successful, chatting and hanging out just as he had for years before the shower lie. We just take it too far. We cross a line, and neither of us ever notices it until it’s too late. It starts with a touch or a smile….anything really. If I knew, I could try to prevent it. In my mind, I try to stop it. I make deals. If he doesn’t do this, I will say no. WTF? I’m so delusional I have even been known to make request, just so I can proceed into this reckless behavior.
Are we meant to be? Am I a victim of a wicked cupid? Can anything good actually come from this?
I think of him.
I want him.
I see him.
I want him.
I smell him.
I want him.
Damn, I can’t quit it.
Mishaps Today 